Christmas Special: Saving Ike from Santa Clause
by The Stoned Writer
Summary: Santa kidnaps Ike in revenge for damages to Santa's car. The Kyle, Kenny and Bebe must band together to save Ike from Ike's new future as a slave to Santa's army of elves. Bebe's infidelity tests the Kenny and Kyle's friendship, Kyle meets god, Kenny must uncover his secret alter ego to save his best friend's brother. The meaning of friendship is tested.
1. Chapter 1

Kenny wiped his rag across the bonnet of Kyle's new plum red Ferrari his dad gave for Kyle's 18th Birthday. This was the coolest car ever and Kenny ached to ride it. Unfortunately he did, but it looked like he didn't. He ran over an unsuspecting doe during his joy ride on the highway just out of town, Luckily Kyle was away fishing with his parents and the car _in Kenny's loving care_ looked like it didn't have blood and gore splattered all over it's bonnet. Kenny smiled, puffing out his chest.

"You look happier about the shininess of that car than you are to see me!" Bebe pouted as she ambled over to stroke Kenny's arm. The couple stood in the driveway of the Brovlovski household and adored the clean car.

"I'm so happy not be rich, I'd break fucking everything" Kenny nodded in agreement.

"Don't be so hard on yourself, sunshine, you're perfect how you are" Bebe reassured Kenny, not understanding his situation

At the second, Sheila burst through the door and squealed happily to see her babysitter Bebe in her driveway.

"Oh! Bubelah! I'm so happy to _see_ you!" Sheila swallowed Bebe into a hug, engulfing her head into Sheila's boobs, which Kenny raised an eyebrow to.

"Darling, can you please be a darl" Sheila let go of Bebe who gasped for breath "and babysit Ike? Kyle has math tutoring and we have date night tonight. Can you be an angel and look after him for a few hours?"

"Of course ma'am!" Bebe flashed her pearly whites at Sheila

Kenny smiled uselessly next to his girlfriend "Can I help out?"

Sheila looked slightly perturbed at this request and she smiled thinly, "next time"

It was so undeniably clear that Sheila didn't like poor people hanging around.

"Mom!" Thirteen year old Ike spat off screen, "I don't NEED a babysitter"

"Yes, you do!" Sheila bellowed back at the house, "You cant be alone tonight!" she practically announced that to the entire town with that voice.

"Look, love" Sheila said in her motherly voice, "Kyle will be home in an hour after we leave and you two can have pizzas and play with Ike"

Bebe grimaced at the thought of Sheila outwardly dismissing Kenny on the spot.

"Yes" Bebe smiled, "sure"

Kenny and Bebe watched Sheila strut away back into her house and gazed at the bonnet of the car. There was a distinctive bloody eyeball crammed into the windscreen wiper.

"What's that?" Bebe whispered a bit disgusted

"I think they're a bit excited for halloween" Kenny covered, grabbing the ball and throwing it far into the distance

"But its November" Bebe nagged, "what was that!"

"Nothing" Kenny pressed, "The car's fine"

"Okay… and come over tonight, Kyle's mom is being a tool"

They kissed and parted ways for the night


	2. Chapter 2

Bebe sat on the couch half asleep. Ike was hunched over with a Nintendo on the other side of the couch, munching on Sheila's famous pizza bagels.

"Is Kenny bringing GTA5?" Ike asked with his mouthful

"Yeah" Bebe yawned "He's timing his entry so your parents don't see him come inside"

"I cant believe my parents are so uptight about Kenny" Ike sighed

"They're better than mine" Bebe laughed "Mine would have an epileptic fit if I ate bread or chocolate"

"I would get it if you followed Col Niddre" Ike agreed

"Pardon" Bebe blinked, feeling very un-Jewish

"Fasting" Ike answered shortly

Bebe nodded in a barely amused expression and went back to focusing on sleeping the hours away when the bell rang. Ike and Bebe jumped up from the seats with excitement and anticipated the door opening.

"Daddy's home!" Kenny bellowed into the living room, sauntering in, giving Bebe a smooch on the lips and giving Ike the prized game Ike had practically been salivating over all week.

"So" Kenny grinned, flipping open his phone, "Who wants pizza-"

Kyle walked inside just as Kenny began to dial Dominos on speed dial.

"Hey, Kyle!" Ike greeted Kyle

"Don't kick the baby!" Kyle proceeded to kick Ike in the shin to which Ike grimaced in reply

"I really, really do not seethe point in that anymore" Ike deadpanned

Bebe tittered, moving for the kitchen. Ike Started to put GTA 5 into the PlayStation, Kenny started dialing the number and moved into the kitchen so he could hear.

"Hey Bebe" Kyle held Bebe's hand, "My mom's so grateful for your help"

"Trust me, if she wasn't paying me this wouldn't be happening" Bebe giggled

"Oh, Bebe" started, "You wouldn't happen to know anything about a dent at the front of my car?"

"Please" Bebe laughed nervously. She knew Kenny took that thing for a spin every time he could, Kyle would murder him if he found out. "I know more about the car's petrol type than the car's physical shape"

"Well" Kyle shrugged, "I just suspect someone dented it"

"It's his surrogate baby brother" Ike chimed in, "a stand in for the who's the baby!"

Bebe and Kyle chuckled softly to themselves.

"Kyle!" Kenny shouted from the back, "where's the pizza sheet!"

"At the back!" Kyle screamed a reply

"Oh, shoot, I was looking at it before!" Bebe lept into the kitchen, brandishing the pamphlet from her pocket

"Thanks, love" Kenny winked, glanced at the thing, "Three cheese pizzas"

"One without sausage!" Ike shouted from the other room, "and more cheese!"

"and one more with extra cheese, no sausage" Kenny wrinkled his nose at the idea of an extra greasy pizza. Once they hung up, Kenny smiled at Bebe.

"Babe, do you know anything about the dent in Kyle's car?" Bebe asked softly

Kenny's face went white as he tried to regain his composure. Bebe glared accusatorily. "Kenny!"

"No" Kenny grinned, glaring at Bebe to shut up

They paused briefly. The muffled sounds of the video game in the other room was on, and making angry police chase noises and a shower upstairs told them Kyle was taking a shower.

"Babe" Kenny smiled, "You have less to worry about. Just worry about those tits not sagging to your feet"

"Kenny" Bebe stared "I thought I told you not to talk about my tits"

At that perfect moment, someone on the game made a wet noise and erupted in laughter _wave those tits, girl!_

"I also don't know if the game was a good idea" Bebe added

"It was!" Kenny snapped, "Ike would probably tell me off to his mom and I would get my shmeckle wripped off!"

"You openly admitted you have a small penis" Bebe blinked

"Doesn't it just mean penis?" Kenny asked

"Small" Bebe made an elaborate inch long size with her thumb and index finger, "micro-penis"

"Dick" Kenny corrected himself and folded his arms in defiance.

"God" Bebe cringed

Then it started. Something that sounded like someone being death kicked to the floor and a scream.

"AAAAHHHH!" Ike's strangled scream came from across the hall

"Ike!" Bebe and Kenny spluttered and ran from the kitchen and into the room where all the commotion was happening

"HELP!" Ike was struggling against someone who had him in a chokehold, not being affected by Ike's flailing arms and legs

"MOMM!" Ike wailed uselessly

"What's happening" the shower turned off and rapid footsteps upstairs

"Let go of him!" Bebe walked up to the giant. "Or I will call the cops"

"The cops?" the man laughed loudly, "They wouldn't believe you!"

the eight foot tall man slowly lifted Ike by the back of his shirt, dangling him from the floor, "Someone's vehicle vandalized my worker"

"I think you have it wrong, pal" Kenny pointed at the grey large man, "Cars get vandalized" with that , Kenny took out a lighter and a cigarette and made a show to show he didn't care, began smoking

"Someone in this house" the man bellowed, "ran over my poor WORKER! And when that happens, they start to emit magic powers NOBODY SHOULD BE RECEIVING BUT ME!"

Bebe slowly turned around to glare hotly at Kenny who squirmed in his spot.

"You ran over cattle" Bebe snarled, "What the hell?"

"And when you run over my-" the man blinked and stared, "Do you know who I AM!?"

Kenny and Bebe stared blankly

"Mr Garrison's grandfather?" Ike's muffled voice came, "He molests children, AND IM GONNA GET MOL-"

"IIIIIIKE!" Kyle came flying down the stairs in his underwear, and went full force into the man's stomach and bounced comically right off into a heavy thud on the floor.

"Nice batman underwear" Kenny muttered,

"My name is Santa!" he screeched, so visibly irritated that nobody recognized him, "And when you hurt my animals, I will take your animals!"

With that, he turned and bolted down the road.

"Get back here you fat fuck!" Kyle leapt right back up, nosebleed in full effect, "Get back here right now!"

Kenny, Kyle and Bebe started running after the fat man as he glided away, they passed the red car.

"Wait get in the car!" Kyle ordered everyone, bounding to the drivers seat, just as Santa started boarding the sleigh. The group piled into the car, Bebe literally leapt into the backseat, without time to close the door just as Kyle floored the Ferrari down the road. The car rumbled far more ferociously than ever before, s scent similar to jet fuel started to fill the car as Kyle cranked the accelerator, teeth gritted and fire in his eyes.

"We can't fly!" Bebe screeched at the madman at the wheel, "Slow down!"

and due to a giant plothole in the story that I don't plan to explain, the car quite literally lifted off the ground, chasing the sled into the depths of the galaxy.


	3. Chapter 3

There was a smoothly molded igloo jutting out into the sky, on top of a mile wide shard of ice sitting on a rough ocean of Navy Ocean, floating with the currents and rolling with the waves. Two red shocks of light hurtled across the sky, one, visibly an airborne Ferrari and another a sleigh smoothly sailing along the winds as if flight was a normal thing. Kyle was breathing heavily. Fists white against the wooden finish steering wheel

"We are going to crash!" Bebe screamed, clasping Kyle's shoulders as if this would stop the car, "Stop, Kyle!"

"I can't help the speed!" Kyle lied, flooring the accelerator "I have to get my brother back!"

"Kyle" Kenny looked at his best friend, "We're not angled right if we want to live from a crash landing"

"I DON'T CARE!" Kyle screamed, "This is all your fault!"

"How the fuck is this MY fault!" Kenny put his hands on his hips, a funny sight for someone who was seated.

"Boys" Bebe tried, eye on the rapidly approaching ice bank

"Kyle" Kenny tried, "Please slow down, You're clearly tripping acid"

"YOU THINK I'M ON ACID!?" Kyle spat at Kenny, eyes glaring daggers at Kenny, "look at what is around u-"

The car lurched, the bonnet crumpling as they met the ground, skidding and rolling onto the roof and back onto the wheels, like a badass would in an action movie, rocking to a stop.

"Well, kids" Kenny awkwardly stretched, "Let's save Ike"

Kyle stared at Kenny, "You ran over that pedophile's animal!"

"He probably isn't a pedophile" Kenny replied, "His name is Santa, you Jewish person"

"I think it's a little creepy that a grey old man sneaks into people's homes" Kyle said to Kenny

"He doesn't go around molesting children, you're thinking of Father Maxi and that other dude who's been in jail for the last ten years for molesting Butters!" Kenny rolled his eyes, "All you have to worry about is one god and eating specific holiday relevant food such as no food on Rosh-shana"

"Roshana is a holiday where we eat apples" Kyle deadpanned, "celebrating the new year, you're thinking of passover"

"Can we please go save Ike" Bebe leaned to the front, "He's probably getting mauled alive"

With that, the trio exited the car and made for the igloo, when a miniature elf vaulted onto Kenny's face, arms and legs wrapped around him.

"AHHHH!" Kenny faltered, "Get it off!"

"Stay still, dude!" Kyle clamored, looking around for a weapon. Bebe frantically looked at the llandscape and started to lose hope, her chest tightening in fear.

"Kenny!" Bebe screamed uselessly, "Kyle! Look!"

"Help me!" Kenny tried to claw at his face, writhing in terror

Kyle looked at Bebe's pointed finger and followed where it was pointing. A field of multi coloured differently themed candy canes littered the fields of snow

Kyle leapt onto a cane, yanked it free "Hold still, dude!"

As if at a session of gold, Kyle reared the cane and swiped hard, sending the elf wind milling into the sky, screaming in a high pitched voice.

"I will get youuuuu!" the high pitched shriek bellowed into the distance

"Kenny!" Bebe and Kyle rushed to Kenny's side

"Dude!" Bebe looked at Kenny's face, with nail scratches all over him, like a cat

"Dude, they Killed Kenny!" Kyle clasped his own head in fear, shivering despite the cold

"I'm okay!" Kenny sat up, a bit dizzy, "Dude, you can have my coat"

Kenny and Bebe noticed Kyle was wearing just batman underwear and he was shivering violently.

"Thanks, man" Kyle smiled sweetly, taking the parka, looking visibly relieved.

The trio barged into the igloo and saw a massive hoarde of midgets only two feet tall standing along a conveyer belt and wrapping gifts furiously and in sync.

"Wrap!" a chief warden elf only a centimeter taller had a whip "Wrap"

If someone fell out of sync, they would be whipped and screamed at to "WRAP!"

Bebe surveyed the scene and saw Ike struggling with a rectangular parcel, "IIIIIIIIIKKKKKKKEEEEE" Bebe screamed

Ike glanced up

"Get out of my factory!" the familiar old man voice screamed from a rom invisible to the trio.

"Just give me back my little brother!" Ike glared, not as menacingly without pants on.

"No" the voice jeered

Ike dropped the parcel and started for their direction and the others started to hold him down, luckily, Ike was already growing and towering over the elves and five foot Bebe.

"Let GO of me!" Ike roared and flung someone off his arm

"You shan't" various elves started to drop what the were doing and try force Ike back, but it was clear Ike was winning, until someone in a white robe grabbed him by the back of his shirt and lifted him up.

"Oh Christ" Kenny clasped the bridge of his nose, irritated, "I am tripping so hard on acid right now"

"You shouldn't disobey my ah-" the robed man scratched his head, "Relation!"

Kyle snorted in laughter "Just give him back"

"No!" Santa stepped into view

"Why not" Kenny asked, "because he wont have sex with you?"

Bebe kicked Kenny in the shin, Kyle just glared with an open mouth.

"You ran over my best deer" The grey man said solemnly, ignoring Ike's struggling cries from under the growing mount of miniature elves.

"He was dead already" Kenny tried

"-And left the moose to die" an Asian elf glared at Kenny sharply, "You three haven't been very good"

"Excuse me" Kyle answered, "But Im Jewish"

"Check Ike's wee wee!" Kenny chortled

"Kenny!" Ike shouted, appalled at the betrayal

"I'm sure others have done worse, have you ever researched on the Vikings" Kyle said

"Yes" most of the Elves chorused, then a brief silence.

"Can I have my brother back?" Kyle asked, "Please?"

"No, you cannot" the fat man said

"You can have Kyle's car!" Bebe shouted, "just let us and Ike go! Easy!"

"HELP!" Ike's screamed

Kyle shoved a nearby elf who fell over in shock and ran towards a set of steps.

"You… shall.. not… PASS!" Santa wheezed, making a run for Kyle. Kyle ignored the clearly unfit Santa and belted up a set of stairs. Bebe and Kenny made chase after Ike.

"GET THEM!" Santa bellowed, sending a wave of elves after them, all gathering make shift weapons from the toys conveyer belt.

Then the mayhem started, everyone started thrashing and throwing elves off with ease and prowess.


End file.
